I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wish I only lived at night.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
