She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
whose parrot is this?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
