ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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