I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
