she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
