this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
