why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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