i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
