I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
