can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
