Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
