when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
