operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
