i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
