are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
