Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
