Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
