R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
