dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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