Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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