Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Soap is not a condiment
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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