Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know her cup size but not her name....
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