If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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