How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
