1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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