i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
