My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
