Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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