come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
