I hate your face
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
