I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
