Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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