I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
