I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
