mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Plan B is the new Plan A
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
