Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
