I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
