after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Congratulations! We have a period
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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