the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
