it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
