the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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