tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
