I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
