i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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