I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
