new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
