Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Randomize
