But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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