He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Randomize
