We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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