I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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